Random Rants

Twelve rules for living with a writer

English: A GAUNGTO BACHELOR "I have no wi...
I wonder how this fella would fare under my tyranical rule. | English: A GAUNGTO BACHELOR “I have no wife to bother my life.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Writers are notorious for being difficult to live with. Anyway, that’s the word on the writing block. I suppose I’m no exception. While I can’t presume to speak for all of us, I do have my very own list of neurotic rules that must be followed by anyone who might choose to live in this writer’s home.

  • Thou shalt not smoke in my presence. Or in my house. Or outside any open window of my house. Or inside my vehicle. Or anywhere near my asthmatic child. If you are a smoker, it’s probably best if you do not attempt to live with me at all. In fact, let’s not even be friends, okay? Because I am done sacrificing myself to other people’s vices.
  • Thou shalt… okay, this isn’t the Bible… Just… do not use kitchen table and countertop towels on the floor. Kitchen sink sponges should also never touch the floor. Once an “up-top” towel or sponge touches the floor, it becomes a floor towel or sponge. There is no going back. Likewise, do not use floor towels on my kitchen table or countertops. Furthermore, NEVER use a kitchen towel in the bathroom or vice versa. There shall be no cross-contamination of towels in my house!

  • Speaking of tables and countertops, do not sit on mine. Never place your butt where I eat or prepare food.
  • And no peeing in the kitchen sink. Or any other sink for that matter. That’s what the toilet is for (or the litter box in a pinch). I can’t believe I even have to mention this. But seriously, WERE YOU RAISED IN A BARN?! That is SO NOT OK!
  • When buttering your toast, always cut a pat of butter from the end of the stick rather than scraping butter off the top of the stick. I don’t care, just do it. It’s my house. I bought the butter. Do it like I told you to or go eat someone else’s butter.
  • Don’t hoard my dishes in your bedroom. I paid for them, so I should be able to eat off of them at any time of my choosing without first having to go on a scavenger hunt to find them.
  • Do not use *my* cups and glasses. You know what I’m talking about. There are at least forty drinking vessels in my kitchen, but I only drink from five of them. There are three specific drinking glasses, one tea cup, and one coffee mug that are mine and mine alone. You know which ones they are because every single day, you see me drinking out of those vessels to the exclusion of every other one in the house. All those other cups and glasses? Help yourself. But don’t you dare pour coffee into my teacup.
  • Always hang your towels up neatly when you get out of the shower. I hate a smelly house.
  • If you can’t squeeze the toothpaste tube properly, then get your own tube. Don’t touch mine. I don’t care if we use the same brand. Do it right or get your own.
  • Always set your alarm for the actual time you need to get up. Then turn it off as soon as it goes off and get out of bed. Do not ruin my last hour or two of sleep by making me listen to your alarm going off every seven to ten minutes until you finally decide to drag your lazy ass out of bed. Could you be more inconsiderate?
  • Unless the house is on fire, leave me the hell alone while I’m in the bathroom. This goes for you too, cats.
  • I honestly do not care if you leave the seat up after you pee as long as you always pee into the toilet and not on the floor surrounding the toilet. If you should happen to miss, at least have the decency to wipe it up so I don’t step in it later. But whatever you do, don’t wipe it up with a kitchen towel.

I don’t think I’m asking too much, do you? On second thought, it’s probably a good thing that I prefer the company of cats to most people. Actually, forget about the cats. I’ve gotten quite fond of my son’s fish lately. He never wakes me up in the middle of the night to remind me that I’ve forgotten to put food in his dish before I went to bed. He also doesn’t sit try to sit on my notebook when I’m writing in it.

What are your top twelve rules for living with a writer? Post them on your blog and share a link to your post in the comments below.

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